


Conkers, and Other Things Peter Parker Shouldn't be Afraid Of

by coveredsnow



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bullying, Field Trip, Gen, Humor, Identity Porn, School Trip, group chats, post-homecoming but everyone made up after Civil War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-01-11 21:40:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18432635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coveredsnow/pseuds/coveredsnow
Summary: In an entirely unprecedented turn of events, Peter's class is going on a school trip to ... wait for it ... the Avengers compound!!!Peter isthrilledabout this. Honestly. What could go wrong? He has thebestluck on school trips. It was only the one time he got bitten by a radioactive spider. And only the one time he got knocked unconscious, trapped in a top-secret warehouse, and had to save his classmates from certain death. And all future school trips are looking educational and stress-free.Peter hears adulthood is overrated, anyway.The Avengers show their affection in a variety of ways. But it is affection. Sam and Bucky promise.





	1. hElp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically compliant up to and including Homecoming, the difference being that everyone made up after the Accords, cos ain't nobody got time for that.

**egglayer:** dude dude dude dude dude

 **legobutt:** wHat

 **egglayer:** im screwed help

hElp

h e l p

 **legobutt:** guy-in-the-chair screwed or got-an-F screwed?

 **egglayer:** pls I would NEVER get an F

but yea im not dying

 **legobutt:** we talked about this you need to CLARIFY

 **egglayer:** but im GOING to die

next Friday

 **legobutt:** o no ☹ ill cry at your funeral, cant u move it to Saturday tho? School trip Friday

 **egglayer:** N E D

that is the pr ob lem

 **legobutt:** dude u kno I can spot you if you need cash

 **egglayer:** haha no, thanks but im good now that Mr. Stark’s paying me

the p r o b l e m is

we’re going to the frickin

AVENGERS COMPOUND

 **legobutt:** WHAT

DUDE IM FREAKING OUT THAT IS AWESOME

 **egglayer:** ned this is not the support i need

being exposed is not!! awesome!!!

 **legobutt:** maybe you should have thought about who you contacted for support bcos like

if i wasnt bed-bound id be doing a little jig rn ngl

HQ for cutting-edge Stark tech?!?! how the hell did the school swing this??

 **egglayer:** uh ask nichols i think he’s gonna break his spine patting himself on the back

but in reality itll be part of the outreach program

theyre tryna b ‘friendly’ after the Accords

and I was like ‘gr8’ bcos it WANSNT MEANT TO AFFECT ME

plus they need more people in specialized superhero tech so theyre tryna ~inspire the youth~

 **legobutt:** dude the avengers compound do you know how sick that is to like a normal teenager

 **egglayer:** yes yes i do because when nichols announced it everyone else was like hOlY sHiT while i was just trying to die and then flash turns around with this Big! Fat! Grin! and looks at me like Eat Actual Shit, Parker

 **legobutt:** dude why aren’t you psyched about this? it’s an SI facility and you stay over every other weekend, people know you, come friday u can tell Flash to Eat Actual Shit

 **egglayer:** bcos Ned there isnt a real INTERNSHIP!!!! ITS A TOP SECRET SUPERHERO SHITSHOW

the staff who know me basically think im Mr. stark’s pet project?? or possibly his illegitimate child tbh the way they look at me sometimes, im one of TWO ppl on the payroll under 18

so if flash is like “tell us about ur interns” to a tour guide theyre gonna be like “what, the MIT undergrads?” FUCK

 **legobutt:** so youre a special boi

a special clever boi

 **egglayer:** weigh up the likelihood of flash believing that v flash psychologically beating my entire ass

 **legobutt:** hm

yikes

yikkers

yikesumundo

 **egglayer:** help me. Help

 **legobutt:** call in sick? ‘miss ive got explosive diarrhea’ the end

 **egglayer:** that just DELAYS the Oncoming Storm, plus if I get one more absence this semester my grades get docked ☹ ☹ ☹

and then May won’t let me patrol any more

 **legobutt:** peter not to be unsympathetic but you’re kinda worst-case-scenarioing here like

have you considered that this could be the c o o l e s t day of your life

can u imagine Flash’s FACE

if you walk in and Falcon is like “high-five”

 **egglayer:** nah sam greets me by trying to knock me over, we have a tally going

 **legobutt:** that’s EVEN COOLER

 **egglayer:**  nO!!!! because a) the avengers are busy people they are my superiors theyre not gonna come visit my freakin schooltrip, b) if they DID then i) they’ll see me be Not Cool in class and respect me less which is a LOW BAR and ii) they dont treat me like an intern, im like halfway between colleague and problem child and THEY WOULD BE CRINGEY ON PURPOSE i know it, sgt. barnes is still sore from that time my webs gummied up his arm, so how would I explain that??? IM NOT BUILT TO LIE LIKE THIS NED

 **legobutt:** dude you’re just gonna have to deal

or wear sunglasses and a cap so none of the Avengers recognize you haha

tell IronDad not to embarrass you

‘Petey you forgot your lunch’ haha can you IMAGINE

 **egglayer:** do NOT call him that ohmygod

Mr. Stark canNOT know, he’s a busy man he’ll be doing busy things

 **legobutt:** dude he owns like, the Avengers. he knows

 **egglayer:** shit ur right

there is no fun middleground here it is either humiliation or exposment!!

 **legobutt:** ur catastrophizing dude

 **egglayer:** dont respond to my made-up word with multiple syllables u freak

im NOT

 **legobutt:** when was the last time you ate? you’re cranky. have a milkshake

 **egglayer:** im not PREGNANT

 **legobutt:** u sure? all those eggs

 **egglayer:** ha. hahaha

 **legobutt:** srsly dude you’re freaking yourself out. Chill. U talk to everyone, like /constantly/, so there’ll be /someone/ on the staff who knows you, which fits your PAPER THIN cover story, and they’ll say ‘hi peter’, not ‘hi mr starks conspicuously young ambiguous associate’. Tell none of the avengers to bearhug you, get one of them (please please please im BEGGING you) to say hi and maybe make physical contact because then you (we) are made for life, and make sure no dingus says “HEY SPIDER-PARKER ARE YOU BACK FOR TRAINING?”

 **egglayer:** that is totally something you would do

 **legobutt:** words hurt pete

 **egglayer:** my school trip is going to be going to my school 2.0 ☹

 **legobutt:** if u r moaning about avengers training i will throw conkers at you

 **egglayer:** ??? weirdly specific but ok

 **legobutt:** they’re like spider kryptonite haven’t you heard?

 **egglayer:** sounds fake but mmmokay

 **legobutt:** we’re trying this out!!! im going to find some conkers and see if you’re like scared of them now

 **egglayer:** im not scared of conkers ffs

ach. I guess theres no point tryna hide it from the team

so i could just tell them not to be extra

and i guess enough staff know me to prove that i, u kno, go there

mmmmmmmmugh

thanks ned

 **legobutt:** ur welcs

 **egglayer:** get better soon i need backup on Friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The adventure begins! Captain Holt can fight me about my stranded preposition.
> 
> Kudos and comments are MUCH appreciated <3
> 
> You can [subscribe to me on Ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coveredsnow/profile) to be updated when new chapters or new fics are posted, and follow me at [coveredsnow](http://coveredsnow.tumblr.com/) on tumblr for news about other fics, updates, and to hmu with any questions. See you later!


	2. thank you for this opportunity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I was surprised by the support, thanks guys :) So here, have an early chapter. Happy Easter, eat your weight in chocolate xx

From: peterbparker@smail.com  
To: earthswimpiestzeroes@group.smail.com

Dear Avengers,

This is just to let you know that next week I will be arriving early Friday morning rather than Friday evening. However, this is not in an official capacity, but as part of a school trip. I appreciate your discretion, since the other students think I’m an intern at SI. Of course, I’m not expecting you to make an appearance at all, I just wanted to make certain that you were aware.

Best wishes, and thank you for this opportunity,

Peter

 

_Fury’s Fierce Fuckos_

**WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** Stark the kid’s email

did you know about this

 **DEFENESTRATE** **:** FRIDAY reads my emails

What

 **UltimateShowdown:** his school’s coming to the compound

which seems unnecessarily cruel, do you know how hard it is to maintain a secret identity?

 **DEFENESTRATE:** oh that

look we need to appear friendly

you guys arent the ones with ross up your ass

 **hohoho:** Not an image I needed.

 **DEFENESTRATE:** its not my fault the kid goes to the best tech school in NY

it makes sense from an outreach perspective

 **BalladofBustaNut:** ItS nOt mY fAuLt tHe KiD GoEs To tHe BeSt TeCh ScHoOl In Ny

 **DEFENESTRATE:** what

 **BalladofBustaNut:** your fatherly pride is turning my stomach all the way in Bosnia

 **DEFENESTRATE:** NOT MY SON

 **UltimateShowdown:** clint you’re on a mission you don’t have time for alternate case typing

 **BalladofBustaNut:** look at the memes i send you nat, then you’ll understand me

 **UltimateShowdown:** I understand you’re in denial about not being a teenager anymore

 **BalladofBustaNut:** you don’t have to be a teenager to use twitter

 **PanwithaPlan:** I disagree.

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** back on topic

is this a security concern

 **DEFENESTRATE:** no! As if I’d put Peter at risk

 **BalladofBustaNut:** he wuvs him

 **DEFENESTRATE:** just no one say “oh gee look at that kid, he sure as heck doesn’t look like an intern to me” OR “hey spider-man you’re early for training” and it’ll be fine

 **hohoho:** Is he ever going to stop ending his emails “thank you for this opportunity”?

 **DEFENESTRATE:** thank you Bruce, this could be a chance to show the kid he belongs

 **BalladofBustaNut:** jfc when did this become High School Musical

 **DEFENESTRATE:** I JUST MEAN that when we interact with him and all the other kids fall on their asses, he’ll see that he’s special

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** SPECIAL

 **DEFENESTRATE:** Important! Unique! His feet are sticky for crying out loud, you know what I mean

@Violet back me up here, it took you a while to adjust to the team right?

@Violet

 **BalladofBustaNut:** I don’t think her or Vision are checking their phones

 **UltimateShowdown:** I sincerely hope you’re not expecting me to play nice with a bunch of highschoolers

 **DEFENESTRATE:** of course not, you can lurk well out of sight

look this doesn’t need to be a big deal

just no-one contradict his cover story (which I’ll remind you Nat that I didn’t concoct, don’t come for me), and don’t be afraid to say hi if you see him

 **BalladofBustaNut:** oh im not afraid to say hi

 **BuzzLightyear** **:** I’ll say hi.

 **PanwithaPlan:** Remember the no friendly fire rule.

 **BuzzLightyear:** Sorry my eyes are going, these screens are too small for centenarians.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are reasons for most of these nicknames. Points to anyone who can figure them out


	3. light hazing

**Ned Leeds:** hey spideypants ur late

 **Michelle Jones:** is this sexual harassment or

 **Ned Leeds:** SHIT that wasn’t for you sorry!!!

 **Michelle Jones:** poor recovery

 **Ned Leeds:** nonono me and peter have this joke haha because

one time i put a spider in his pants

 **Michelle Jones:** ??? you freak that’s cruel

poor spider

 **Ned Leeds:** u know im right here you could just talk to me

 **Michelle Jones:** you messaged me first

 

 **legobutt:** peter where R u

 **egglayer:** omw!!!! omw tell nichols not to mark me as absent, I just couldnt find my pass

 **legobutt:** does ur pass say ‘Spider-Man’ on it

 **egglayer:** acc it says Peter Parker, Ned Wrangler

 **legobutt:** as if im the one who needs to be wrangled in this relationship u disaster

 **egglayer:** i remember my mom called me a disaster once. It was the last thing she said to me before she… she…

 **legobutt:** -_- how long do I need to stall for

 **egglayer:** here!

 

_Fury’s Fierce Fuckos_

**BalladofBustaNut:** the spiderling is in the funnel. i repeat, the spiderling is in the funnel

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** too far with the gimmick.

i mean what’s even the point, it’s not code if his name’s Spider-Man

 **UltimateShowdown** **:** also insinuates that hes my son

which insinuates id let stark’s festering member within sixty feet of my nether-regions

{BalladofBustaNut changed Tony Stark’s nickname to FesteringMember}

 **FesteringMember:** for the sixteen-thousandth time

billie jean is not my lover

 **PanwithaPlan** **:** Michael Jackson!

 **FesteringMember:** congrats.

 **PanwithaPlan:** Clint, is it safe for you to be texting while you’re landing a plane?

 **BalladofBustaNut:** FUNNEL APPROACHING

 **hohoho** **:** I’m losing track of this metaphor.

 **UltimateShowdown:** spiderling in 5.

 **hohoho:** I hope you guys aren’t going to embarrass the kid.

It’s tough being a teenager!

Especially a clever one.

 **BalladofBustaNut:** chill, he goes to Nerd School, he’s probably King Nerd

@PanwithaPlan I could do this with my eyes closed, and no way am I gonna miss the kid

 **FesteringMember:** we’re not embarrassing him, we’re acknowledging him in a respectful way

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** with some light hazing

 **PanwithaPlan:** You’d better mean light.

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** what Tony considers affection I’d call light hazing

 **FesteringMember:** who doesn’t want everyone to know that they know Tony Stark?

Do You Know Who I Am

 **UltimateShowdown:** it keeps me up at night

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** no-one wants their dad showing up at school

 **FesteringMember:** im going to prick that kid for a fucking DNA test

im not his dad i just give the kid money, take him on cool trips, and occasionally ask him for favors

 **BalladofBustaNut:** DUDE

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** ok you have to know how that sounds

 **UltimateShowdown:** spiderling in 2

 **FesteringMember:** stop DISTRACTING ME i have to finish making his lunch

 **PanwithaPlan:** I’d call poisoning more than light hazing.

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** ffs Tony he’s not going to want to have lunch with you

 **FesteringMember:** Why wouldn’t he? but if he doesn’t that’s fine, he can just take it with him, he gets hungry really quickly

 **hohoho:** I think it’s nice, Tony.

 **FesteringMember:** NOT HELPING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone asked for nickname explanations, so here you go. They all basically originate from Very Professional and lightly mocking chats the team has had.
> 
> ‘hohoho’ – from the ‘hohoho, Green Giant!’ ad. It’s kind of a running joke that whenever someone sees something big and green, they point and say ‘Look, it’s Bruce!’ (trees, flailing tube men …)
> 
> FesteringMember: well, you know that one, but DEFENESTRATE came from a mixed bag of everyone ribbing Tony for smashing through windows all the time / directly causing windows to smash (he does that … a lot, when you think about it), and some Doctor Who talk about Tony as a Dalek (his catchphrase would, naturally, be the above).
> 
> UltimateShowdown: from that old song on YouTube, The Ultimate Showdown, in which Chuck Norris crushes Batman’s head in-between his thighs. Someone brought up that Nat could totally crush Batman’s head in-between her thighs.
> 
> WilsonofWaverlyPlace: Sam’s niece had a Wizards of Waverly Place phase, and sent him a very lovingly made themed card during his military service. Sam always kept the card, and now has it framed in his room, which is very sweet but not something Clint or Bucky were inclined to be particularly forgiving of.
> 
> BuzzLightyear: they watched Toy Story. Steve laughed so hard he cried. Tony originally changed Bucky’s name to Mrs Nesbitt, but Steve changed it to something slightly more diplomatic out of concern for Tony’s safety.
> 
> PanwithaPlan: like star-spangled man with a plan; someone made the point that Steve’s shield was basically a glorified frying-pan, plus the team has a running joke about Steve being slightly thick around the edges (he’s not, of course, but you get caught trying to phone someone on what turned out to be Tony’s ridiculously unnecessary fancy-ass TV remote ONE TIME …) so he has approximately the mental capacity of a pan, and thus this loving and respectful nickname was born.
> 
> BalladofBustaNut: like The Ballad of Buster Scruggs … they watched the film and Clint commented that if he wrote his memoir, he’d call it The Ballad of Busta Nut. He really didn’t think it would go on for this long, but he’s trying to own it.
> 
> Violet: Some of Wanda’s powers approximate that of Violet in The Incredibles. Vision could tell that Wanda liked watching that film, because Violet was presented as a hero. Vision changed her nickname.
> 
> Also, I’m making some textual-expression concessions to realism, bc lbr some of these oldies text like the middle-aged lameos they are, they don’t have tumblr’s capacity for emotional conveyance. As much as I would love Bruce to tYPE LIKE THIS!!!! whenever anyone mentioned ~SCIENCE~.


	4. no cause for concern

**PARKER.peter:** hello Friday!

 **F.R.I.D.A.Y.:**  Hello Peter!

 **PARKER.peter:** so my class is coming in in like 10 mins on a school trip 

and like

could you not like

announce me? or say “hi peter”? or anything?

 **F.R.I.D.A.Y.:**  I’ll need you to clarify “or anything.”

 **PARKER.peter:** just don’t make it obvious how high clearance etc. I am?? I’m going to hope no-one looks too closely at my badge, I know Happy would dismember me if I didn’t wear it

 **F.R.I.D.A.Y.:**  I’ll do what I can. By the way, isn’t it interesting that requests made by the Avengers have priority over requests made by you?

 **PARKER.peter:**?? not really, I mean obvi?

Wait

Friday

What do you mean

What did they ask

Friday??

 **F.R.I.D.A.Y.:**  On an equally unrelated note, isn’t it curious that I would be unable to reveal any information an Avenger had instructed me to conceal from you?

 **PARKER.peter:** FRIDAY YOURE KILLING ME

 **F.R.I.D.A.Y.:**  Your vitals are now within readable range, and I see no cause for concern. See you soon, Peter.

 

“Dude, you have got to be kidding me.”

“Aw, come on Ned, you’re like, super smart! Guy-in-the-chair!”

“You can’t flatter me into trying to hack _Tony Stark’s AI_.”

“You did it before!”

“That is not what happened. Do you know how cool it is that you have his AI’s number? Be happy with that!”

“Please, Ned! Please? I have to know what’s waiting for me -“

“What, so you can jump out the window? Relax, we’re practically here.”

Peter tried to look like a normal kid having normal thoughts as the bus approached the Compound. Except – crap. Did he want to? What did a kid who had a normal internship and a not-close relationship with Tony Stark and the Avengers look like in this situation?

“Dude, you’re getting kinda moist.”

“Not helping!”

He wasn’t suited to lying. He was forced into it by a juiced-up arachnid. Now his brain was doing amateur-hour parkour, not aided by the smug grins Flash kept sending him from a few seats in front. Eventually, Flash half-rose in his seat, the better to command the attention of his minions, Peter supposed.

“You’re looking pretty nervous, Penis. I wouldn’t worry, we already know you’re full of shit.” Laughter rippled through the bus, and Peter stared pointedly out the window, his insides shriveling. If any of the Avengers heard Flash or the others talking to him like that, he would _die_. He tried to envisage a way this could go well, but his mind insisted on playing out the ugly options in 4K. No-one acknowledges him: death by Flash. The Avengers are present but keep their distance, and see what a loser he is: death by humiliation. The staff and team give him the full Problem Child treatment, embarrassing the crap out of him and very much testing the believability of his internship: death by eventual identity exposure. As they disembarked and made their way to the building entrance, he whispered these furiously to Ned, who had apparently found a way to roll his eyes so violently that only the whites were visible.

“Do you reckon that counts as a superpower?” Ned whispered. “Will they let me join now?”

“This is not the time for jokes, Ned!”

“I don’t think it’s the time for _panic_ , either.”

“I need to find a more sympathetic confidant.”

“Ew. Guy-in-the-chair, not ‘confidant’.”

“Why not?”

“Sounds kinda sexual.”

“It’s _French_ , dude.”

“Welcome to the Avengers Compound!” Peter and Ned stopped short, as the chattering around them ceased. They were stood in the lobby now, and a short woman with tightly coiled hair and bright purple glasses had climbed on top of the front desk to address them.

Lauren.

Peter’s stomach flipped.

 _Lauren_ was at the front desk? Lauren managed the tech floors, helping F.R.I.D.A.Y. to co-ordinate deliveries and set up labs. She’d saved Peter’s ass with school projects on more than one occasion. Why was she out here?

“You must be Peter’s class!” _Oh, no._ Mr. Nichols’s brow furrowed, and he started to shuffle through a nightmare of paperwork.

“Uh, actually, I’m Mr. –“

“Oh, yes, I’m sure! It’s just that I know one of your students. Peter could probably give you the tour himself, if I asked!” She laughed, loud and bubbly. Peter could see Ned beaming out of the corner of his eye. _OK, that’s enough_ , he thought. _I can work with that. Move on._ “Here are your passes; everyone please clip them on, our former head of security takes it very personally if we forget. Peter, I didn’t print one for you, did you bring your own?” Peter smiled weakly, reaching into his pocket. The eyes of his classmates burned holes into him as he pretended to fumble with his pass, stalling flipping it over and revealing the silver trim, seven levels of clearance higher than their own. Thankfully, Lauren started speaking again, and heads swiveled around. As she gave the Compound’s standard introductory speech (Peter decided, with a flicker of foreboding, that she must have requested this tour especially; no-one would dare put Lauren in a corner), Peter found himself, despite his most honorable efforts, seeking Flash’s face in the crowd. Exhibiting the kind of low-grade telepathy that came with over one-hundred hours of Lego collaboration, Ned tipped his head in Flash’s direction. Flash looked mutinous, and was muttering to the students around him. This should have been a moment of triumph, but all the same Peter felt a chill down his spine, a familiar nausea in his stomach.

They followed Lauren through security, the machine flashing a green light in response to the students’ guest passes. Peter held his breath as he flashed his own, sending a silent prayer to F.R.I.D.A.Y..

“Our Favorite Peter Parker,” the machine announced, followed by static where the clearance level would usually be. Thank F.R.I.D.A.Y. for small mercies, Peter supposed, as he did his level best to pull a Scott Lang. There were mutters throughout the class, even the perpetually dazed Mr. Nichols looking around with a frown.

“Oh, haha, that’s just, haha,” Peter laughed, then took it down a notch when Ned’s slight shake of the head told him he was coming across as hysterical. “Mr. Stark’s got a funny sense of humor, so any employees, the machine announces as ‘our favorite’, just to let whoever’s on security know that they’re … um … employees …” The class turned to look at Jeff on security, who raised his eyebrows at Peter, but nodded. Chatter resumed with a few giggles, and Peter mouthed ‘thank you’, some of his light-headedness receding. Ned elbowed him.

“Dude. You never told me that!”

“Because it’s _not true!_ That’s never happened before!”

“Oh. OH. Peter, are you getting punked by the _Avengers?_ Because that’s _so cool!_ ”

“Oh my god.”

Lauren funneled them into what Mr. Stark called the ‘dummy cool zone’, where undiscerning visitors were left while the staff sorted out important stuff. It was a room full of machines behind glass panels; they were built to look cool rather than serve any actual functionality, but Mr. Stark had told Peter it stopped a lot of people who thought they were important from getting angry.

“I’m going to borrow Mr. Nichols for a second,” Lauren said. “Feel free to look at the machines, but remember we can see you through the observation window.” She pointed to a wall with a large glass panel looking into a small office.

“So no funny business!” Mr. Nichols said, looking as if he’d just remembered reading once that teachers should be authoritative. As the door closed behind the two of them, the students rushed to the displays. Peter hung back, and Flash pushed past him, knocking into his shoulder with enough force that he knew to stumble.

“Whatever, Parker. They probably let you clean the toilets here to keep you off food-stamps. You know charity gets them tax breaks? You’re not a big-shot just because some bitch recognizes you.”

“Don’t call her that!” Peter said, anger shocking him into boldness. He was used to jabs about his background, but Lauren was so lovely, and she’d been nothing but polite to the class –

“What was that, Penis?” Students had turned from the machines to watch them now, and Peter’s hands curled into fists, frustration choking him as power he couldn’t use coursed through him.

“Nothing.” Snickers went through the crowd. The reassurance of a balance restored; they could shit on Parker again. Flash snorted, and elbowed his way to the front to look at the machines. Ned clapped a hand on Peter’s back. “They’ll never believe me,” Peter muttered.

“Yeah, well. They’re idiots.” Peter halfheartedly returned Ned’s smile, and they shifted apart before someone could start making kissy noises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've seen Endgame, I've started a post-Endgame, canon-divergent fic which can be found [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18647008/chapters/44219965) \- I'll leave the specifics for those who aren't avoiding spoilers to discover!


	5. New target

Once Lauren had finished with Mr. Nichols (from his hue, Peter guessed there might have been some threateningly-worded NDAs), she led the class into a long corridor that Peter knew bypassed the emergency-response facilities. Several times, when he spied her bouncing hair in-between his classmates, she seemed to be glancing around surreptitiously. Eventually, Peter tracked her gaze back to MJ. He spent the next minute furiously convincing himself that he’d been mistaken, before he could trigger the submersion protocol in his suit through sweat alone. He didn’t talk about MJ _that_ much. Did he? No. No, he – did he?

Just when he thought his anxiety might start condensing on the corridor walls, Lauren herded everyone into the building’s main atrium. The Compound was sparsely staffed enough to seem relatively empty even in the middle of a working day, but a few people were speckled around, looking either very focused or very confused; Peter had learned it tended to go one way or the other where Mr. Stark’s enterprises were concerned. As Lauren launched into a speech on the structure of the Avengers Initiative (dislodging several disgruntled, StarkPad-wielding workers from a cluster of chairs with her enthusiastic projection), Peter once again let his mind wander. Not only had he heard this speech before, he lived it every other weekend. As he saw the enthralled expressions on his classmates’ faces, he wondered whether Ned might not have a point after all. Every _day_ he spent in the Compound was basically the coolest of his life, and any small discomfort now was totally worth –

“Hey, Pete!”

Heads at the back of the class swiveled, and Peter held his breath. Maybe he had misheard, maybe it had been a mistake, maybe –

A hand thudded into his back, with the force of someone who knew he could take it. “You ignoring me, kid?”

“C-Clint! Hey …” It was impossible to be formal with Clint. The first few times Peter had tried calling him Mr. Barton, Clint had nearly fallen over laughing, and addressed him as ‘Sir Parker’ for the rest of the day. His clothes compounded matters; Shuri had once told Peter that white men dressed like randomized Sims, and Clint was a case in point. Especially now, with mud stains on his T-shirt, bird’s-nest hair, and a smell that wasn’t kind on Peter’s enhanced senses, Clint looked about as authoritative as Captain Rogers in that sex-ed video.

“Good to see you, man! I just got back from a work trip, come up for a minute? I found some projectile tech you might be -”

“Uh, Clint! This is my class. And teacher. We’re on a school trip.” Peter smiled nervously; Lauren had stopped presenting now, and was going over the schedule for the day with Mr. Nichols, leaving the rest of the class to turn their way.

“You’re on a -“ Clint's grin widened and turned soft. “Awwww, Petey-baby! Are these your frieeends? If I’d known, I’d have brought cookies!” Peter’s cheeks burned. Of course Clint would never expose him. Peter had a vague recollection of Ned suggesting that it would be cool for the Avengers to wind him up, and tried desperately to remember why. His main emotion at the moment was _sweaty_.

In response to Clint’s remark, a smattering of laughter had broken through the students nearest. Peter’s hair stood on end as one voice rose above the others. “Who’s this fag?” Flash Thompson sneered, his friends snickering around him. Peter winced, hoping that Clint hadn’t heard – but even if he hadn’t, something must have shown on Peter’s face. Eyes hard, Clint was scanning the crowd, and Peter could tell the exact moment he zeroed in on Flash, a sniper’s sight following ripples to an epicenter.

“Excuse me,” Clint said, voice perfectly calm, but with a razor undertone. “My hearing’s a bit jacked. You’ll have to speak up.” Flint raised his hands in an expression of innocence, smirking. A shiver ran down Peter’s spine as he thought of the criminals who would run in terror before they insulted Hawkeye. The confidence of wealth, he supposed; assuming you were invulnerable to every stranger you met.

“Clint …” he murmured, nudging his arm to get his attention, silently begging him to back off. From the class’s reaction, he didn’t think many of them had recognized him for Hawkeye, but that luck would run out with a cursory google, and suddenly the questions would turn much more probing.

Clint shrugged and stepped back, expression suddenly relaxed. “Well, all the same, Oh Esteemed Intern; when you get a minute, come tinker with me. I need you to buffer Stark’s jargon.”

“I - I will. See you, Clint.” Clint walked on, shifting a giant backpack further up his shoulders. Peter breathed out slowly, and turned to Ned, whose mouth was hanging wide open.

“You think you can pay some janitor to say ‘hi’ to you and we’ll believe you’re an intern?” Flash’s sneer cut through the crowd again. “Fucking pathetic.”

“Wasn’t that Hawkeye?” someone asked.

“If that was Hawkeye then your mom’s Black Widow, Jason. Just because we’re in the Avengers Compound, doesn’t mean everyone with muscles is a superhero. What, you think Hawkeye spends his free time baking and hanging with Parker?”

“I thought I was practically on food stamps,” Peter muttered to Ned out of the corner of his mouth, as Lauren led the class on. “How many people am I paying, exactly?”

“Dude, I was just within, like, three feet of Hawkeye!” Ned whispered, looking positively ecstatic. “And he _smelled!”_

 

_I’ll Side-Kick Your Ass_

**Not-so-Noble** **:** What was that? No way was that long enough to turn up the heat.

 **curlydick** **:** I had to adjust. Kid is not king nerd. Plan may need reworking

 **botstiality** **:** how much? cos Ive already prepared the cargo and Redwing is real excited

 **curlydick:** may have found another use for it

 **Not-so-Noble:** DAMN IT.

You know it takes 15 minutes to detach this arm?

It was going to look so good poking out of his backpack.

I got FRIDAY to make the security alert more threatening especially.

 **curlydick:**  I think hes being bullied.

 **Not-so-Noble:** New target. Who’s looking to die?

 **botstiality:**  the fuck @curlydick

that’s not cool

does Stark know?

 **curlydick:**  im assuming not since the leech in question still has a pulse

but yeah get Redwing ready

@Not-so-Noble I don’t think we want to be sued, so maybe take a backseat

go brush Steve’s hair until you calm down

 **Not-so-Noble:** I’ll rip your hair out of your scalp.

 **RO** **XANNE:** wait what’s going on

is Barnes killing a kid?

 **curlydick:**  nothing Rhodey

 **botstiality:**  Nothing Rhodey!

 **Not-so-Noble:** You focus on your targets, I’ll focus on mine.

 **botstiality:**  yeah maybe time to take a breather @Not-so-Noble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (While I'm sticking close-ish to canon, this Clint is sans-secret-family)
> 
> New nicknames, new backstories (because I've realised that many things I assume are kinda-obvious are in fact inside jokes with myself)!
> 
> Not-so-Noble: as in, Barnes &.
> 
> curlydick: if you were on the internet at a certain point, you’ve probably seen that duck … Clint’s got a bird gimmick … he should never have shared that gif.
> 
> botstiality: most people are agreed that Sam loves Redwing a little too much. You know? Like ‘beastiality’.
> 
> ROXANNE: Tony told everyone the WARMACHINEROX story. _Everyone._ And then Bucky got pretty upset watching Moulin Rouge, because of Steve’s past health issues, and Sam tried to cheer him up (without letting on he gives a shit because, ew), figuring Rhodey could take one for the team.
> 
> Also, I realised I left out group-chat name explanations. So, Fury’s Fierce Fuckos – the team came up with ‘Fury’s Fierce’ together (jokingly, of course), and were trying to think of something alliterative when Clint got to the group-chat first. There was a lot of groaning, but the name stuck. I’ll Side-Kick Your Ass is the side-kick chat. They’re somewhere between owning it and being indignant together.


	6. a mad scientist thing

Months after he’d started training at the Compound, Peter still got a thrill from seeing inside the labs. The stuff being worked on changed almost every day, as new missions rolled in and the sheer level of intellect on tap meant problems were solved almost before they were articulated. As his class trickled through the observation corridor, he found himself pressing up against the same windows as they did, and elbowing Ned as often as the reverse – although after a couple of pained ‘oof’s, he remembered that that was an interaction best left to Past Peter.

“I can show you a little something extra, here,” Lauren announced, winking at Peter, and he grinned along with everyone else, wondering what it could be. Maybe the extra-bouncy slime from that weird blob-creature a couple of months ago? He’d been asking to play with that for weeks. Lauren typed a code into a small panel, and the window to the private lab at the end of the corridor lost its obfuscatory tint. “I wonder whether anyone can identify this man?” As students crowded in front of him, Peter tried not to look disappointed. After having dinner with Dr. Banner every other weekend, the glow around other scientists faded a little. Excited murmurs filled the crowd in front of the window, enough so that Ned squeezed in to get a look.

“Holy shit!” someone exclaimed, and Mr. Nichols, who had been hanging back, probably thankful to have someone else handling the kids, frowned and came to join them.

“Be respectful, pl – _Is that Dr. Banner?_ ” Immediately he looked every bit the six-year-old in Disney Land. “Oh my gosh. Can we meet him?”

Lauren was doing her unsuccessful best not to look amused. “I’m afraid Dr. Banner is busy at the moment. He tends to get rather absorbed. Short of banging on the windows, I doubt there’s much we could do to make him realize we were here.”

She kept trying to catch Peter’s eye, jerking her head toward the front of the crowd and side-eyeing – _god_ – MJ. Willing away his blush, Peter sidled up to the window casually, smiling a little despite himself. He absolutely loved Dr. Banner, every interaction a struggle between his urge to establish a working relationship and his urge to establish a small shrine in his honor. He was one of the smartest people _in the world_ , and the closest Peter had to a role-model in terms of accidentally-gained radiation-based powers. He must have been collaborating on something today, if he was stationed among the other scientists rather than in his personal lab. At the moment, he was scribbling in mid-air with one hand, and measuring some sort of fluid with the other; poor F.R.I.D.A.Y. would be in overdrive attempting to translate his squiggles into recognizable symbols.

“Is he writing in thin air?” Tommy Preston asked. “Is that a mad scientist thing?” Lauren was busy fielding questions from Mr. Nichols, but Peter wasn’t about to let Dr. Banner be disrespected by someone whose signature move was eating whole pretzels in a single bite. He cleared his throat.

“Tony Stark’s AI, F.R.I.D.A.Y., will transcribe those movements for him,” he said, focusing on Dr. Banner to block out the stares of his classmates. “Having displays up distracts him too much sometimes, so he just trusts her to interpret his notes. They have a bit of a rocky relationship, but it's getting there.”

“You’re so full of shit, Parker,” Flash said. Peter glanced at Lauren anxiously, hoping she hadn’t heard, but she seemed absorbed in her phone. Suddenly Dr. Banner put down the beaker he was holding, and glanced at something out of sight of the window. Then he looked their way. Gasps, and then giggles, passed through the crowd; Dr. Banner looked a bit dazed, but he smiled vacantly, eyes searching. When they found Peter, he broke into a grin, and gave a wave. Ned let out an actual ‘ _Whoop!’_ , and Peter smiled, waving back. Flash pushed into him, hard enough that he resignedly stumbled forward. “Out of the way, Penis, he’s not waving at you.” When Peter looked up, Dr. Banner had returned to work. Lauren moved the group on before Mr. Nichols could start licking the window, Flash bragging loudly about how a _Nobel-prize-winning scientist_ had acknowledged him.

 

 **B** **roNyetheScienceGuy:** Tony?

 **BroboCop:** wassup

 **BroNyetheScienceGuy:** I’m not sure how to say this.

 **BroboCop:** uh definitely not like that

gimme a break my heart’s not the best in the biz

 **BroNyetheScienceGuy:** I think Peter’s being bullied.

 **BroboCop:** What

Are you serious

 **BroNyetheScienceGuy:** Lauren just messaged me asking if I could wave at him to make him “look cool”.

I did, and someone pushed him, I couldn’t make out what they said but it didn’t look complimentary.

And he fell, as in he actually fell forward, no way does any high school student have the juice to do that to Peter.

Which just made me think that maybe it’s an appearance he has to keep up.

I don’t know, I’d say I could be overreacting but I think I know what bullying looks like.

Tony?

 **BroboCop:** yeah here

{BroboCop is typing}

{BroboCop is typing}

 

{BroboCop is typing}

{BroboCop is typing}

 

{BroboCop is typing}


	7. F.R.I.D.A.Y., take notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess who's back, back again  
> it's ur spiderboi  
> Sorry for the wait! Back to the weekly schedule now.

As the class streamed into the Compound canteen, it seemed Peter was the only one who didn’t feel like chatting.

Well, maybe not the only one. He smiled at MJ, who raised her eyebrows in response, before taking a book out of her bag. _The Mask,_ Dean Koontz. Peter made a mental note to look it up later.

“Dr. Banner knows you,” Ned said in a hushed voice, as they waited in line to get lunch. “Like, really _knows_ you. Like, I _knew_ he knew you, but I didn’t _know_ know, you know?”

“No-one else seems to have noticed,” Peter said, craning his neck around to look for Lauren. He had been hoping to ask her about the rest of the tour, so he could avoid any unpleasant surprises, but she seemed to have left for the level-fives-and-up dining hall. Peter almost considered joining her – but Flash would probably suggest that he’d fled in embarrassment, or some equally unbiased evidence-based theory, and that was a nail in the coffin of his day that Peter just didn’t need.

“I think you could probably come into school in the Spider-Man suit and they’d make fun of you for doing cosplay,” Ned whispered. “But isn’t this what you wanted? No-one’s going to think you’re too important to be an intern.”

Peter shrugged, not so sure anymore. Yes, this was better than being exposed … but as the day wore on, and he saw how easily impressed his classmates were by anything vaguely Avengers-related, he was beginning to realize that he could probably satisfy any curiosity pretty easily if they were suspicious about how he was being treated. Frame anything as the interesting quirk of an Avenger, and suddenly all of the focus was on them – because of course, it couldn’t be _you_ who were the special one.

“Wassup, Penis?” Peter sighed. Ten people forward in the line, and Flash was still going out of his way to make him miserable. “Aww, he looks sad! Probably because we don’t believe his Stark Industries wet dream.” His cheeks heating, Peter was immeasurably grateful that Lauren had scheduled their lunch for after that of the Compound staff. “Let’s cheer him up with a song!” Laughter traveled down the line. Peter wished, not for the first time, that he’d been bitten by a radioactive invisibility cloak. “When I say Penis, you say Parker! Penis!”

Flash’s expression of glee turned to one of shock when his classmates failed to answer. Peter and the rest of the class were in a similar state of horrified disbelief – but for a different reason entirely. From an unremarkable door to the left of the line, Tony Stark had appeared, and was now standing directly behind Flash. He tapped him on the shoulder. Flash, already scowling, turned around.

God. Peter wished he could have seen his face.

“What’s your name?”

It was eerie, the mask that had slid over Mr. Stark’s face. Peter wasn’t sure he’d have noticed it, four, five months ago. To his classmates, he probably looked no different from the only Tony Stark they knew, the one from press conferences and red carpets; it was a variation of his public engagement manner, glamour and confidence exuding from every pore. It was the underlying thread of _don’t fuck with me_ that sent a light buzzing over Peter’s skin, the tight shoulders and line of his brow screaming _danger_ to anyone attuned.

Not to Flash, of course.

“M-Mr Stark! Eugene Thompson, sir. I’m a huge fan of your work.” Even with everything he knew, Peter felt his stomach sink. Immediately, Flash looked so slick, the hand he proffered confident and unwavering. A long way from the stuttering mess Peter had been at their first meeting. A long way from the loser Mr. Stark had seen him to be now. Flash was _born_ into this stuff. The rest of the class, abandoning the line, had crowded around the two of them; Peter found himself bunched up into a ring with the other students.

Ignoring Flash’s hand, Mr. Stark crossed his arms. “You a smart kid, Eugene?”

“Yes, sir!”

“You’ll want to go to a good college, I’ll bet?”

“Definitely!” Flash puffed up. “I’m going to apply to Stanford and MIT and –”

“Of course, a letter from me has a lot of influence at those colleges.” Flash looked like he could barely breathe, face flushed with excitement. Despite himself, uncertainty rolled in Peter’s stomach. There was no way that Mr. Stark would see eye-to-eye with someone like Flash. Was there? No. Most of the school seemed to … but no, surely -

“I – of course, yes, Mr. Stark! That would be incredib-”

“Maybe we shouldn’t get ahead of ourselves.” Mr. Stark clapped a hand on Flash’s shoulder. His knees seemed to buckle a little. “You’re, what. Twelve?”

“S – sixteen, sir. Actually – even if it’s a little soon for college, I heard that you offer internships to students. The work you do at Stark Industries is hugely impressive, and I can assure you, an opportunity like that _wouldn’t be wasted on me_.” Even Flash’s inner circle seemed staggered by his gall. Not for the first time, Peter wondered just how much money his family had.

“I’m sorry, Eugene. We don’t take high school students as interns.” Peter felt his face drop, almost comically. Mr. Stark _wouldn’t_. Flash’s expression was momentarily disappointed, but immediately he looked around, eyes finding Peter, and gave an unpleasant leer. Sure, Peter hadn’t exactly _checked_ with Mr. Stark before using an internship as a long-running excuse, and it had been a little presumptuous of him, but Mr. Stark had never expressed an issue with it in the past, and if he had one, god, why mention it for the first time now? _God –_ “Just Peter.”

Flash’s head whipped around. “What? I – pardon me?”

“Your friend, Peter, there _–_ ” ‘friend’ was laced with pointed scepticism _–_ “is my _personal_ intern. That’s why he’s buddies with Dr. Banner and Hawkeye. He works closely with them, and all of the Avengers, as part of his duties here. Naturally, that’s not a position we can give out to just anyone.”

You could have heard a pin drop. Peter was sure he had gone bright red. Try as he might, he couldn’t keep a grin from spreading across his face.

“Sorry to disappoint you, Eugene. I could write you that letter instead, if you want? Let me think - F.R.I.D.A.Y., take notes. ‘Eugene Thompson is a slimy little shit, who bullies his betters because he’s jealous of their success, and puts other people down to make himself feel important ...’” The color had drained from Flash’s face. He sputtered. “Or maybe you’d prefer they heard from someone else? I’ll have Peter keep me updated on your preferences.” Finding him in the crowd, Mr. Stark met Peter’s eye for the first time. He came forward, and rested a hand on his arm.

“How’s it going, Pete?”

“I’m good, thank you Mr. Stark.” Peter continued in a somewhat embarrassed undertone. “You really didn’t have to-”

Mr. Stark cut him off with a murmur. “We’re talking about this later.” Peter nodded in resignation, and Mr. Stark raised his voice again. “Hey, teach!” Mr. Nichols, who had been sitting half-asleep in front of a tray of food, jumped like he’d been electrocuted, and looked around wildly. Eventually focusing on Mr. Stark’s waving arm, he turned a little grey, and staggered to his feet. “As excellent a job as you’ve done looking after this lot, I’m afraid we’ll be keeping Peter at the end of the day. We need him here.” Peter grinned with delight, even as his classmates looked at each other in disbelief. He’d been planning on taking the bus back home and then making the return trip, to keep up the appearance of low-level involvement. No point in that now. Mr. Stark had given him an _imaginary promotion_. Mr. Nichols looked slightly terrified, probably contemplating the prospect of explaining child protection laws to a billionaire who owned the building and the firepower of a small army. Taking pity on him, and perhaps a bit of cockiness from Mr. Stark, Peter called over.

“It’s fine Mr. Nichols! Aunt May knows. I stay over every other weekend.” Mr. Stark looked down at him with a smile of approval, and Peter felt his chest swell, as his classmates’ looks turned to murmurs.

“Well, now that that’s sorted, I’m sure there’s something invaluable I should be doing. Catch you later, kiddos. Oh, here’s a free career tip: brains will get you far in Stark Industries, but if you use a position of advantage to crap on others, Captain America will personally come to your house and curb-stomp you.” Mr. Stark leaned in to Peter, and lowered his voice again. “Look, I made … May was telling me that you never pack the extra snacks she prepares, which is fair, so I just …” He brought out a brown paper bag, the top folded over. “Keep that energy up. You can, uh. Tell the kids it’s new secret tech, if that makes it better.” Mr. Stark left through the same door as he’d come in.

Ned was positively vibrating. This time, Peter returned his grin.

 

_Fury’s Fierce Fuckos_

**FesteringMember:** did any of you know my kid was being bullied

 

not a rhetorical question

 **BalladofBustaNut:** as of a few hours ago.

some of us were dealing with it

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** Is the turd still breathing or did we miss our chance?

 **ChocolateMissile** **:** can I not take a single mission without coming back to a lawsuit

how worried do I need to be? should I call pepper

 **FesteringMember:** Everything’s fine Rhodey

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** everything’s fine Rhodey!

 **BalladofBustaNut:** go back to fighting the good fight rhodes, we’ll still be standing when you get home

 **FesteringMember:** the turd’s still walking and replete with all four limbs

 **BalladofBustaNut:** sounds like we’re good to go @WilsonofWaverlyPlace

 **UltimateShowdown:** I’ll record, in case of lawsuits

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** in case of lawsuits 👍

 **BalladofBustaNut:** gotta watch out for those lawsuits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (new nickname explanation; Mackie referred to Falcon as a 'chocolate missile', so it doesn't feel like a stretch for Sam to have said it in this 'verse, and for Rhodey to immediately argue that if anyone's a chocolate missile, it's him, since he has, you know, actual missiles.)
> 
> good things: Spider-Man: Far From Home  
> bad things: Disney  
> good things: fan creation <3
> 
> stay strong out there my lovelies, and remember, no-one can take your own personal spider-man away from you xx


	8. ???!???

**curlydick:** @botstiality in position?

 **botstiality:** redwing is ready and raring to go

although do you think we’re going a bit far?

 **curlydick:** that guy is a grade-A douche

waste him

 **botstiality:** yeah but he is a teenager

we’re adults

 **curlydick:** you’ve been spending too much time with nat

 **N̵̲̬͙̪͍̼̹̤̩̬͖͓͇̝͐̎̾̊͂̇̄̽̅̑a̶̡̧͔̮̤̥̦̻͍͉̲͎̦̤̿̑̾̓̓̚͘t̷̛̛̙͐͋͋̔̆̈́́͘ą̶̢̗̗͓̗̯͔̣̇̒̊̈͒̑̊̌̌̿̉͝͝͝l̵͇̟̞͎̫̦̝͎̍͋͂̀̍i̴̲̠̹̯̭͓̎̓̄̄̾͌͆̏̈́̃͌̿̈́͘͘ͅá̸̟̲̞̩͆͛̓̂͆͛͑̏̋̌͌̕̕** : what was that?

 **curlydick:** NAT

YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED IN HERE

 **botstiality:** I’ve gotta agree, this is spin-offs only

 **Natalia:** Who’s Clint spinning off?

No offence @botstiality @Not-so-Noble @ROXANNE

 **Not-so-Noble:** None taken.

 **botstiality:** you

 **curlydick:** you

 **botstiality:** obviously

 **Natalia:** I’ll allow it. b̴̨̘̱̭͉̹̰̝̗̯̽y̵̧̧͔̙̳̻̬͔̙̖̣͖̹̞͔͊̑̄͆͂̔̆̇̓̌͐͘͝ĕ̸̗͓͕̪̓̈͋͋̅͘ ̴̢̛̤͍̼͍̾̈́͌͝ṡ̷̨̥̞͕̟͇̱͔̫̜̯̠̰̞̂̇̆̋͌͠u̷͖̞̦̭͖͕̭̞̱̦̖͈̓̽̂̓̈͋̈́̃̈́̚̚c̵̢͕̖̳̳̖̝͍̼̞̝͊͋̓̿͑̈́͐́̈́̎̕̕ͅk̶̛̠͖̭͉̦̩͔͎̏͒͂̈̎̈́̈́̍͛͂e̷͕̟͆̃̅̇̓͑͒r̸̟̽̓́͒̀̆̈́̇͊̾̈͠s̶̛̟̩͔̼͋̄̒̆͐̕

 **curlydick:** after that bone-chilling reminder of competence

i’ll concede that you may have a point

If Stark’s sorted it. I mean, we don’t want to make things worse for Peter

 **botstiality:** we’ll keep an eye out. first sign of trouble, bombs away

@Not-so-Noble not actual bombs

 **curlydick:** @Not-so-Noble not actual bombs!

 

The floor felt slightly springy under Peter’s feet as he returned to the atrium, walking in front of his class rather than hanging at the back. For the last couple of hours, Flash hadn’t looked at him once, and that was just the way he liked it. Those of his classmates who were meeting his eye were looking at him with cautious respect. Ned was practically bouncing alongside him, having taken Peter’s win as a personal victory; even MJ seemed to be in closer orbit than usual.

Which turned out to be fortunate.

“Hey, Parker!” Peter turned around, incredulous. Flash had broken out from his cluster of friends, who were shaking their heads, urgent murmurs chasing him. A flush high on his cheekbones, there was a feverish glint in his eye. Peter’s stomach dropped as he recognized the expression from cornered criminals. Flash was desperate to salvage anything from this situation, and if the price for school status was beating on an employee in a Stark Industries facility … well, he’d blown his chances with the company anyway.

Peter started to stumble backwards, Ned and MJ moving out to his sides. He sensed Lauren turning back from security and heading toward the group, heels tapping a brisk staccato as Flash showed no sign of stopping his approach.

It was stopped for him.

There was a low, whirring _zoom_ that Peter immediately recognized. Confused, he looked up, taking a couple of further steps backward and ushering MJ and Ned with him.

_Sploosh._

There was a second of silence before titters started coming from the students. As their giggles echoed around the atrium, they soon devolved into open laughter, bouncing off the walls in a cacophony that had Peter reaching for his earplugs. He did so leisurely. Flash stood frozen, soaked head-to-toe by three water balloons which had landed directly on top of him. The laughter soon became intermingled with shrieks as, somewhat to Peter’s relief, Redwing returned, dropping balloons haphazardly over the rest of the class.

Only he, Ned and MJ remained dry.

Technically, Peter _had_ Sam’s number, but while he didn’t bother extending titles to someone who tried to push him over every time they met, he wasn’t exactly comfortable texting the guy.

 

From: peterbparker@smail.com  
To: earthswimpiestzeroes@group.smail.com

???!???

Best wishes, and thank you for this opportunity,

Peter


	9. conflict resolution?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! I've seen some people wondering whether they should feel sort-of sorry for Flash. Don't worry - I took his very apparent douchiness in Homecoming and ran with it; he is a total arsehole in this 'verse and deserves everything coming to him.

**UltimateShowdown:** nicely done @WilsonofWaverlyPlace

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** don’t thank me 😉

 **FesteringMember:** who’s cleaning up my atrium

 **BalladofBustaNut:** cleaning staff??

 **FesteringMember:** I told you guys we have to look FRIENDLY

and you do a FULL-ON PEEVES on a bunch of high school students!

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** please most of them will be thrilled

“Falcon’s so funny! omg he pranked me mom! ahahaha!”

 **UltimateShowdown:** hate to break it to you Sam but most of them are pinning this on Tony

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** FUCKSAKE

 **BalladofBustaNut:** @FesteringMember we splashed the rest of the kids too, if turd’s folks raise any trouble we can tell them it was a targeting mishap

ur just salty that you didnt think of it first

 **FesteringMember:** yeah you’re right, I also didn’t think of giving Eugene a wedgie, take my master’s away

 **UltimateShowdown:** you’re still the Big Bad, you gave him the dressing-down, he just needed a tangible reminder that his actions have consequences

i heard somewhere that rich assholes don’t see very many of those

 **FesteringMember:** have I ever told you how much I enjoy your little pep talks?

 **PanwithaPlan:** Stop fighting.

 **FesteringMember:** @PanwithaPlan have I ever told you how much I enjoy your conflict resolution?

 

Lauren managed the involuntarily moistened students effortlessly. As Peter had suspected, all it took was one mention of Falcon and Hawkeye’s penchant for practical jokes, and the entire class were either swooning or taking selfies. Apart from Flash, that is, who was muttering about the price of his shoes to anyone who would listen. Which wasn’t very many people.

Peter continued with his class to the security gates, wanting to give a proper goodbye to Ned, and a proper ambivalent nod to MJ. As he watched his classmates flash their guest passes and hand them to Jeff, a few of them smiled at him, or even turned to wave before walking through the gates. All things considered, Peter supposed he’d had worse school trips. Ned nudged him excitedly, mouthing “made for life!” They did their handshake, without a single snide comment incoming, and Ned continued through security.

“Bye, Ned!” said the machine. Ned started, then stared at it in shock.

“B-bye, F.R.I.D.A.Y.!” As he passed to the other side, he was immediately engulfed by a group of students asking questions about Mr. Stark’s AI.

Flash was one of the last to go through, and Peter braced himself for another drive-by, but Flash didn’t so much as whisper. When he flashed his pass, there was an odd crackle of static, apparently too quiet to be picked up by those without enhanced hearing. What followed, however …

“’Maths answers free.’ ‘Spider-Man imagine.’ ‘Spider-Man x Reader.’ ‘Pornhub.’ ‘How much B.O. is normal.’”

Flash stood frozen for a second, before frantically beckoning the next person, Jason, to swipe his pass on the reader. Jason seemed uncommonly unwilling to comply. In fact, Peter saw him slowly raise the video camera he’d brought for the school news report.

“’Is sixteen too young to have sex.’ ‘Cosmo for men.’ ‘Belly button smells weird.’ ‘Hottest characters from _The Lion King._ ’”

Eventually Jeff snatched Jason’s pass from where it was held loosely in his hand. The machine fell silent when he swiped it, and Flash stormed off toward the school bus, students parting in front of him with expressions ranging from shock to delight.

Peter’s heart felt light and feathery in his chest.

 

 **U** **ltimateShowdown:** LiveFeed → 0:38

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** What’s going on?

 **UltimateShowdown:** Best tech school in NY and the мудак doesn’t even use Tor

 **BalladofBustaNut:** you are my favorite

 **WilsonofWaverlyPlace:** classy move

 **UltimateShowdown:** 💅 💁

 **hohoho:** LOL!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you next week for the FINAL CHAPTER! now if you'll excuse me I'm off to write some _It_ fanfic because Bill Hader has ruined my life.


	10. A little insinuation

Peter watched from the sweeping glass windows of the third floor as the school bus started. Ned flipped him a peace sign from his seat, and MJ was waving next to him, with that beautiful, beautiful, beautiful smile of hers.

“She seems nice,” came a whisper from behind him. He jumped about a foot in the air. Lauren cackled.

“Who? I, er, who seems nice?” Peter said, trying to lean casually against the wall, realizing there was no wall against which to casually lean, suavely straightening his posture with no small amount of effort, then ruining the whole thing by looking over his shoulder to check if MJ was still watching.

“Oh, hun, you ain’t subtle.”

“I – I – really? Do you think she knows?” Ned and MJ were looking to the front of the bus now, where Mr. Nichols was presumably giving his going-home lecture. Peter checked his phone.

 **legobutt:** nichols is fighting with the bus driver about the wet seats lmaoooooo

“Oh please, you’re an open book. She probably knew before you did.”

“Oh noooo.” He snapped back to look at Lauren, wondering how she could look so amused as she dismantled his life before his very eyes, glasses flashing gaily in the sun. “This is bad, this is so bad!”

“And she’s into you, too! Honestly, kids these days, shouldn’t you be sexting by now?”

“AHHRGH!” Peter clapped his hands to his cheeks to cool the burn.

Lauren snorted, then looked at her watch as it beeped. “Oh, shit. Right, I missed three meetings today to get the goss on the girl whose hair smells like coconuts and can recite the periodic table ‘but, like, in a funny way’, and it was totally worth it but I have to go. Think you can find your way from here, tourist?”

“Thanks, Lauren.” He grinned, not sure what he was thanking her for, but pretty certain she deserved it. She flicked him a salute, and strode off toward the elevators.

Peter turned to watch as the bus started moving. The novelty of his new status had clearly worn off for Ned and MJ, but now other students were craning their necks to look up at the windows; a couple of them spotted him and pointed, but once again, Peter was only looking for one guy.

Flash didn’t seem to have seen him, however. His gaze was fixed a couple of floors above where Peter was standing. As he waved distractedly to a few of the students, Peter looked up, wondering what could be so captivating. When the ceiling proved unhelpful, he returned his gaze to the school bus – just in time to see Flash go very pale, and turn abruptly in his seat. Huh.

Peter shrugged to himself and turned away. After today, Flash could keep a few secrets to himself.

 

 **FesteringMember:** @BuzzLightyear did I just see you walking around with your gun out?? we’ve talked about this, half my techies will be hiding in the bathrooms

 **BuzzLightyear:** Relax, it wasn’t loaded.

And someone won’t be threatening your son again.

  **FesteringMember:** do I want to know?

 **BuzzLightyear:** A little insinuation goes a long way.

 

 

 

 

 **Steve** **Rogers:** Hello, Peter.

 **Peter Parker:** Captain Rogers! Hi!

 **Steve Rogers:** I heard that you were being bullied.

 **Peter Parker:** Wow! No, Captain, I promise it’s not as serious as that, just a joke that got out of hand.

 **Steve Rogers:** Don’t you know that it’s illegal to lie to Captain America?

{Peter Parker is typing}

{Peter Parker is typing}

{Peter Parker is typing}

 **Steve Rogers:** I’m joking, kid.

 **Peter Parker:** Oh! Haha! Phew!

 **Steve Rogers:** Look, I understand if you don’t want to talk about it. But without wanting to sound like a motivational video, I dealt with a fair few bullies, before I could throw people through walls.

And by dealt with, I mean repeatedly got my ass kicked until Bucky came along with some tissues and Band-Aids.

So I understand that a few flashy stunts might not put this to bed.

Even if it does, and you just want someone to talk to, know that I’m here.

{Peter Parker is typing}

{Peter Parker is typing}

 **Peter Parker:** Thanks, Captain.

 **Steve Rogers:** Steve.

 **Peter Parker:** Thanks, Captain Steve.

 **Steve Rogers:** Come get your dinner, kid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and leaving kudos. This was really fun to write.
> 
> I have A Lot of fanfic projects on the go at the moment, at least two of which are Peter-centric. I'm not sure which will see the light of day first, but if you want to stay on board for that you can [subscribe to me on Ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/coveredsnow/profile) to be updated when new fics are posted, and follow me at [coveredsnow](http://coveredsnow.tumblr.com/) on tumblr for news about other fics, updates, and to hmu with any questions.
> 
> If you want something finished, I wrote a [de-aged Tony Stark fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16441238/chapters/38498054), which at about 50k is my longest work; and for something currently being posted, you can check out [To Hatch a Crow, a Black Rainbow](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18647008/chapters/44219965), the fic I should be working on next: a post-Endgame extravaganza in which I try to take on canon, with one slight deviation involving our favourite mechanic no more questionable in its realism than the rest of the MCU.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this!! Please let me know if you did! Love ya bye xx


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